At different points in my life, I’ve had intimate relationships with people who were either possessive or distant, but afraid of being rejected. I’ve been hurt more than once when they picked fights to maintain distance and I ended the relationship because I felt driven away or they decided to leave before I left them.

Relationships are a tricky thing. While we all need relationships to survive and make our lives meaningful, there’s a lot of hurt that comes with them. Opening yourself up to another person, letting them know who you are, sharing your feelings and thoughts takes courage and trust in yourself and others. Breakups are painful, no matter who initiates them. It may take awhile to be willing to open up again to someone else.

In the Enneagram system of personality and personal development there are three types who are particularly sensitive to making connections and feeling rejection. Called the Relationist or Rejection Triad, types 2, 5, and 8 form this group:

• Twos try to earn their place in the relationship by being indispensable. Deep down they feel they aren’t good enough to be loved for who they are. They have forgotten their true value and belonging in the world and the natural flow of giving and receiving. 
• Fives stay in the ivory tower of the head to avoid uncomfortable feelings and fears about being left behind. They avoid any kind of neediness or asking for what they want so they don’t have to hear no. Book knowledge replaces actual experience and inner knowing. They have disconnected from unity and the interdependence we all share.
• Eights get big and declarative when they feel too vulnerable. Better to go on the offensive than be exposed to hurt. This masks feelings of unworthiness, and sometimes even self-loathing. They hold tight to their own agenda having lost the connection to their own big hearts and innocence that would allow life to just unfold.

In all these cases, there’s a severed relationship with self-love and a disconnection with the natural flow of the universe. When you don’t love yourself, it’s hard to accept love from someone else. Most of us can relate.

Focusing on becoming a good parent to yourself and having a daily practice that connects you to your center of guidance grounds you in self-love and restores access to the natural bond and unity that exists between all things. 

As Dr. David Daniels, in his article on the triads of the Enneagram, says that the Relationist triad demonstrates the three different flows of energies in relationships: Twos move toward others to give care, Fives move away from others to offer reason and perspective and Eights get declarative, asserting what is required at the moment. The development path for all three types, and the rest of us too, is to connect with “the natural flow of energy that is love and life itself.” Beautifully said.

The Relationist Triad teaches us the importance of an open heart to nurture and maintain relationships. When we open ourselves to the flow, we create coherence. We need this not only to survive, but to have a truly fulfilling life. As I say in my book, Emergence a Path to Presence,  “Trust, loyalty, reciprocity, interdependence can all happen with this deep level of social connection. Now, that’s some powerful energy!”